The Hallway Dialogues
by smoke and fumes
Summary: A single conversation with Draco Malfoy in a deserted hallway leads to smirking, an incomplete Transfiguration essay, loads of insults and a surprising amount of snogging. Dialogue only, DHr, oneshot.


**The Hallway Dialogues**  
_A single conversation with Draco Malfoy in a deserted hallway leads to smirking, an incomplete Transfiguration essay, loads of insults and a surprising amount of snogging. Dialogue only, DHr, oneshot. _

_(The title is a sad attempt at a pun on 'The Vagina Monologues'). _

* * *

"**Oi, Granger. Stop there for one second."**

"Would it kill you if I don't? Now move out of my way, git."

"**O****uch, I get that just for uttering a civil, polite statement."**

"Uh, polite? _Manners_, anyone? You were practically commanding me to stop!"

"**Well, it worked****, so I won't complain. You did stop."**

"… No, I didn't."

"**May I then ask why ****both of your legs planted onto the ground, not moving an inch?"**

"Oh, crud. You distracted me! It isn't my fault! Now, if you would excuse me—"

"**I won't, Granger."**

"You wouldn't dare."

"**Careful where you point that wand, Granger. And yes, I **_**would**_** dare."**

"If _whatever_ you want to say is so incredibly important, then hurry up, spit it out!"

"**Why should I hurry? I have all the time in the world.**** Is it that time of the month, or something?"**

"I'll choose to ignore that rather … unnecessary question, Malfoy. Unlike you, _I'm_ terribly busy. I'm only a foot over the required parchment length for McGonagall's essay; I still have loads more to write, and it's due!"

"**Er, what?"**

"Don't give me that expression, you twitchy little ferret."

"**Okay, okay, I get your message. You want to have sex with me."**

"Huh? Since when did that come about?"

"**Twitchy little ferret is positively dripping with sexual ****innuendo, love."**

"Quit it, you're a _pathetic _sick brat—"

"**Let's just forget the whole insults thing for five minutes, alright?"**

"And why should I do as you're told, you _lousy, sniveling—_"

"_**Granger**_**."**

"What? That was for that time you called me … Mudblood in second year."

"**Hello? How about the time when someone punched me in the face in third year?"**

"Oh, right. I forgot about that."

"**So w****e're quits, Granger."**

"Mm."

"**Now can I talk?"**

"Well, hurry up, no one's stopping you."

"**Finally! **_**Honestly**_**. I was waiting a lifetime."**

"If you don't start saying whatever you wanted to ask me, I'll make sure I hex you till into oblivion. I'm warning you, Malfoy."

"**Ouch. Surely there isn't a need for such drastic action, Head Girl?"**

"_Malfoy_."

"**Yes, yes. Right away. The thing is, Granger …"**

"Yes?"

"**It's r****egarding the next Hogsmeade weekend, yes."**

"Would you hurry up and bring your point across?"

"**Touchy, much. Okay. Uh."**

"_Draco Malfoy_, I swear, if you don't hurry up—"

"**Oh, alright, Granger. If you haven't realized … it's Valentine's Day."**

"Am I supposed to draw an inference out of your rather vague pronouncement?"

"**Merlin, this is so difficult. And they say you're the smartest witch in our year."**

"How am I supposed to know what you're thinking? 'Oh, it's Valentine's Day.' So?"

"**Well. Remember ****our last Heads meeting, and your whole disgusting idea of bringing a date to Hogsmeade?"**

"That was _not_ a digusting idea."

"**Whatever. The whole point**** is, I … I don't have a date."**

"Ha ha. Aren't you some Slytherin prince, or something along those lines?"

"**Not funny, Granger. ****I really don't have one. A date, that is. And wipe that smirk off your face! Gryffindors don't smirk."**

"I shall widen my smirk just to prove you that _we do_, you prat."

"**You look uncannily like Pansy when you do that. Please, don't.**** Spare me the agony."**

"Back to the topic, Malfoy."

"**Right. Hogsmeade. Dateless, poor Draco Malfoy."**

"You do realise, Malfoy, that there really is no point in you telling me all this?"

"**Of course there is! Merlin, you still haven't figured it out?"**

"What _am_ I supposed to figure out?"

"**Since you are so incredibly dense, ****I'll spell it out for you. Would …"**

"I'm waiting, Malfoy."

"**Damn****, screw it all! Wouldyouliketogotohogsmeadewithmethen?"**

"Sorry, couldn't catch that."

"**Granger, you really make me want to kill you, sometimes."**

"That's your business. Hurry up with the question!"

"**Honestly, **_**smartest witch in our year**_**. What a joke."**

"Are you going to say it or not?"

"**Would you like to go to Hogsmeade with me, then?"**

"Wha-"

"**Of course, it's for pure uh, non-romantic reasons. Yes."**

"Right."

"**Wipe that smirk off your face! As I've said – it's only because you****'re Head Girl and I'm Head Boy. Not because I like you, or anything. Okay? Let me repeat. Not because I like you! Because I don't. Like you, I mean."**

"Really, if you weren't my enemy all these years I would have thought your last few minutes of blabbering was positively cute, and quite amusing."

"**WOULD YOU STOP SMIRKING?"**

"How about 'No'?"

"**Ugh, don't do that sickly sweet thing with me, either. And you still haven't replied me!"**

"Let me consider."

"**Merlin, you're smirking **_**again**_**. I'm not supposed to **_**be**_** smirked at! I'm supposed to smirk **_**at**_** others—"**

"Carry on, carry on. What a perfect waste of my time."

"**Well, I'm **_**sorry**_**. Just stop laughing at me and answer the question!"**

"Patience, Malfoy."

"**Oh, what the hell, Granger—"**

_(…)_

"Wow. What was that … _kiss_ for?"

"**To wipe the immensely annoying smirk of your face, of course. I could see no other solution."**

"Well … Really, Malfoy. I ought to slap you, only that—"

"**You rather enjoyed it?"**

"No, I didn't—oh _fine_, I have to admit; it was pretty fun."

"**Hermione Granger, bookworm extraordinaire, enjoys kissing? And Granger, one more thing – you're blushing."**

"Stop smirking at me!"

"**I guess there's only one way we can rectify that, eh?"**

_(…)_

"So, Malfoy—"

"**Mmm?"**

"I was thinking. About the Hogsmeade weekend – maybe we ought to give it a go?"

"**Sure, Granger – only if it involves more of these … y'know, activities."**

"You're insufferable."

"**But you do fancy me this way, don't you?**** Don't you try denying it."**

"What an ego you have, Mr. Malfoy."

"**Say, Granger, what happened to your Transfiguration essay—"**

"Transfigur – oh, crap! You just made me _forget_, you muddy slimeball—"

"**Draco."**

"_What_?"

"**My name is Draco Malfoy."**

"Wow, I didn't know that."

"**I meant, call me Draco, love. Now that we're nipping at each other's lips I figure we should start referring to the other by their names, and not by some derogatory term such as 'muddy slimeball'."**

"Excuse me while I roll my eyes."

"**You're excused."**

"Right."

"**Granger! Your Transfig—"**

"Merlin! Can you stop reminding me? It's what, half an hour overdue already. I cannot believe it, Draco Malfoy! You made me skip class to – to do _nothing_!"

"**We kissed, remember? From what I know that doesn't constitute nothing."**

"You make me want to blast your bigoted head off the rest of your body."

"**Ah, but that you wouldn't get to kiss it, honey."**

"... Go to hell, Malfoy."

* * *

**Disclaimer**: Insert here the usual jazz about how Harry Potter and friends are not mine. 

**A/N**: If you haven't figured it out, bold text is uttered by the delectable Mr. Draco Malfoy, while the normal ones constitute Hermione's lines.

That was random but fun:D I've never written a purely dialogue fic before, so I hope the characters stay in character throughout, as much as possible. And, in case you were wondering, the _(…)_ sections represent the – ah – little kissing scenes, shall we say. :)

Hope you enjoyed it! And please, review.


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